So.. My boyfriend finally found my Xanga page. I don't know why I even wrote the things I did on here. Hello, it's the internet. Nothing's safe.. Well, that's not the point. the point is he read about me and Monty's situation. Which let me tell you, I was scared shitless out of my fucking mind. I thought the worst of course.

I thought, "Oh my God, he's going to break up with me. He's going to be so upset, he'll never want to talk to me again." Well actually none of that happened. It was over the phone at like one in the morning. I was crying my eyes out trying to tell him what happened and how it happened. He was more upset at the fact that I didn't come clean with it in the beginning. Which I guess I understand. He said he still loves me and that'll never change. He said he's a little bit hurt by Monty but that he can get over it. The thing is.. there was more then just MOnty at summer camp. There was also Eric and Leonard.

Eric happened because he kissed me. In my mind I thought, "Is it easy for me to kiss another boy and forget about my boyfriend?" And so Eric was a test. Which by the way even if I wasn't with my boyfriend that kid is one of the worst kissers. UGH! But that's besides the point. Leonard.. That one I regret. I was dared to give him a 2 second kiss including tounge action. I don't know what I did. I guess it was because I knew that'd I'd never give him another because he was so.. ew, and because well perhaps I was curious. Also it was a dare.. I don't pussy out. Still regret it everytime I see him.

Back to the story. I explained to him each one how it was and what I was thinking. If I still loved him and that I know I hurt him and that wasn't by any means my intention. It just kind of happened and that it's out of my system. I told him the truth. That he's the only one for me and I never want to lose him. He accepted my apology. We decided that- Well, he made me promise to never keep secrets or hide anything from him. I promised to tell him the truth even if I know it'll hurt him.

I'm so glad we worked stuff out though. I really am. I can't lose him.

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So I've decided that I am a whore. Simply because I love my boyfriend but flirt with my best friend at the same time. My boyfriend and best friends are good friends as well. Which makes it awkward for him. I once talked about my forbidden kiss with my friend Monty.

Since then we haven't had another. However, we have been quite touchy feely. Ususally it's just joking but then it gets just a little intense. For instance, when we cut class. We went to his house. It was the two of us and another friend, Sean.

Sean had to leave early. I told Monty to come up on his bed and lay next to me. We discussed various things and yet still landed on the topic of the mutual sexual tension. I was messing with him and decided to tease him. I bit his ear knowing what it would do. He then jumped on me and returned my action. Breathing heavily he restrained himself and shook his head. We stopped although none of us wanted to.

He has a really good relationship with the girl he's with now and says he loves her and wants to marry her. Messing with me would certainly ruin it. I love my boyfriend with all my heart. I really do, it's just that I've wanted Monty since freshman year. I'm a junior now. Maybe now that we're so upfront with how we felt that it's hard to resist. I should have more self-control. It isn't fair to us and it wouldn't be fair to our significant others if we continued flirting.

I just feel like a whore because I didn't want to stop and I didn't want him to stop. I just wanted him there and then and still do when I see him. Then again, my darling boyfriend comes creeping back into my mind and akes me feel shitty.